Comorbidity
by FunkyWashingMachine
Summary: Human AU - Peridot and Lapis bond over their mental illnesses. Trigger warning in Chapter 2 for eating disorder stuff and questionable consent
1. Chapter 1

One. That was her pulse, ticking until detonation.

Two. The walls with a swirling quality to them, bending out and in every way she looked.

Three. The air, thick, unbreathable.

Four. The door. She'd picked the seat closest, but you can't just GET UP when everyone is paying attention, you can't make a scene, if you're going to die you have to do it quietly so as not to disturb the class.

Five. The letters on the board with no meaning any more. They hazed out into jibberish, leaving only the message that was playing over and over again in her mind. "You're going to fucking die."

Six. She was going to fucking die.

The lecture had barely passed its first half hour before Peridot cut her losses and bailed through the door. The hallway outside was warm-colored and dark, and the walls heaved a little less than the room's. She would go to the water fountain – no – she would pace for just a few minutes before going back – no – she couldn't go back today. Inhaling shakily, she dropped to the armless bench outside the room. Her blood pounded in her ears. Nothing was going to happen… nothing was going to happen. Nothing ever happened, nothing ever would.

But she still felt like dying.

In her more lucid moments, she would berate herself for leaving class like this – she'd wasted enough tuition already on such worthless priorities. But this was not a lucid moment. This was one of those times when she understood exactly why she didn't pay attention in class. It was perhaps the only kind of understanding she actively hated.

It's Maslow, she was in the habit of telling herself. Security comes before self-actualization. It's perfectly natural to drop the stuff you REALLY want to work on when there's an imminent threat. Or when your body perceives one.

At least it was more socially acceptable to die in a hallway than a classroom. There'd be no one staring judgmentally as she keeled over, no sickening legacy of "the room where some girl died," and no need to rope off the door while her body got hauled out by the coroner, or the custodian, or whoever the fuck did things like that. Just business as usual, next class at 3:15.

"Peridot. Are you all right?"

The voice startled her out of her thoughts, and she realized she was huddled up and rocking on the bench.

"F-fine."

"You're shaking."

She recognized those shoes. It was someone from class… which class had she just left again?

"That's… just…"

The girl came in closer.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Peridot never wanted to talk about it. She was gimpy, she was awkward, she was friendless. Her only real asset, her brain, was failing her now too. That shred of dignity meant more than it should have.

The girl must have read her expression. "It's okay if you don't," she added. "I just thought maybe I could help."

Peridot risked a glance at the girl's face. Whatever her name was escaped her. But, something gave Peridot pause. For the first time ever, someone had come looking for her. Someone who thought she was important enough even to remember her name.

"My prescription's out," Peridot mumbled and turned away.

"What are you taking?"

"…Z– uh… _sertraline_."

"Hm. What dose?"

"Are you ALWAYS this nosy?" Peridot snapped before she saw the girl pulling a small bottle out of her bag.

"Only in emergencies," she said as she cracked it open.

"Oh," Peridot conceded. "Uh, fifty."

The girl held out a pill. "Split this one and take the other half tomorrow."

Peridot eyed her for a moment. "Can I see the bottle?"

"Like I'M the only one who's being nosy around here…" the girl teased, seemingly amused.

"I'M NOT USED TO TAKING DRUGS FROM STRANGERS, OKAY?"

"No, right, I get it." She handed Peridot the bottle.

"This has got to be all kinds of illegal," Peridot muttered as she scanned the label. Zoloft, check. Two full tablets a night – how sick WAS this girl, this… _Lazuli_ , according to the bottle. Peridot shoved it curtly back in her direction, hoping she hadn't been seen overreading her welcome.

"It's not going to make an appreciable difference," she grumbled, plucking the pill out of Lazuli's hand anyway.

"But it might tie you over."  
Peridot scoffed. "Over WHAT? No one takes my insurance around here, this is the end for me."

"Oh… that IS pretty awful," Lazuli concurred. "Not seeing anyone?"

"Look at me, do you THINK I have friends?"

"I mean a therapist."

"Oh. Right. I knew that, of course." Peridot felt some color rise to her cheeks.

"You'll meet someone you get along with," Lazuli said, sitting next to her. "This is a good place for it."

"Therapists?"

"No. Friends." She fished around her bag and pulled out a much larger bottle. "Water?"

"I have my own," Peridot said brusquely. Hands shaking as they were, the business of splitting the pill became more one of crushing it. She tossed back the dustier pieces and pocketed the others. Seeing Lazuli watch her chase the pill with water, she swallowed and asked, "Why are you doing this?"

"Do I need a reason to be nice?"

"Yes, actually, people aren't just nice for NO reason."

"Well," Lazuli leaned back, "you looked pretty upset. I thought you might want to talk about it."

"That's all?"

"Because I know what it's like."

"You have anxiety too?" Peridot looked up at her.

"Heh. The other one, mostly. Bit of both."

"Yeah. Me too. Less depression than anxiety though."

"I guess you could call us complimentary, then."

"Buy the whole set," Peridot joked snidely.

Lazuli laughed, a little too loudly for a joke of that caliber. "How are you feeling?"

"Honestly, like shit."

"Could you use a hug?"

Peridot faltered.

"Wh- … are you offering?"

"Yes."

"And I'm allowed to accept?"

"Jeez, what hardasses have YOU been living with your whole life?" Lazuli said, pulling her in close. The second body soaked up Peridot's trembling like a finger on a tuning fork. "You poor thing."

Despite those words, when she touched her, Peridot had a sudden feeling that there was a profound loneliness inside Lazuli as well. Without even realizing it, she had mumbled, "It takes one to know one."

For a moment, she was afraid her slip had been offensive, but Lazuli's only response was to stroke her repetitively on the shoulder. Peridot gingerly wrapped her arms around her. She smelled faintly of acid, and Peridot was reminded of the lab.

"Are you a chem major?"

"No. Why?"

"…No reason."

Lazuli clicked her tongue in a way that made Peridot feel that this accusation had somehow transgressed more than the first.

"Are YOU?" Lazuli asked after a beat.

"No. Engineering."

"Heh. I'd be stressed out too if I were an engineering major."

"It's not so much THAT," Peridot said, starting to get the sense that Lazuli wasn't about to let go of her. "It's kind of always been like this."

"Yeah. I know the drill. So, what's an engineering major doing in a modern literature class?"

"It's not like I fit in with the engineers, either…"

Lazuli brushed a wisp of hair off Peridot's forehead.

"Well, that's their loss. You starting to feel better?"  
"A little, I guess."

"Breathe with me," Lazuli instructed.

Following such a slow breath was just that little bit maddening. Peridot was not a resident of her body. She was a resident of her mind, and her body was merely her incompetent chauffer. But as it went on, the synchronization proved nicer than she'd have given it credit. Up close everything was so tangible – the soft heat of the other girl's body, the tickle of hair on her face, the somewhat off-putting hydrochloric scent. In the lull of their conversation, Peridot found herself aware of the pulse in Lazuli's neck, the dull thudding below. Peridot hadn't heard a heartbeat besides her own for a long time. Hers was a frantic heart, a shot bird tearing itself to pieces. This one spoke a whole different language… not exactly calm, but sounding very insistent about something.

And that's all there was for a short while. There was her, there was Lazuli, there was the little bit of water in her eye that she was sure came from swallowing the Zoloft wrong.

"There, how's that? You're not shaking so much anymore."

Peridot pulled herself out of her thoughts.

"Oh… it's – good."

Lazuli gently released her, but not before giving her shoulder a small squeeze. Not the worst consolation prize, Peridot decided. Especially not when combined with a smile like that.

"Do you want to go back to class?"

"Um…"

"We don't have to."

"We?"

"If you want me to stay, of course."

"That would certainly be acceptable."

The amused look crept back to Lazuli's face. She looked as if she wanted to say something but didn't.

"I… really appreciate you doing this," Peridot added awkwardly.

"It's no trouble."

"Yes it is! You're missing class for this!"

Lazuli clucked. "I've missed worse things in life."

Peridot looked at her askance. That didn't sound like a light phrase. "What kind of things?"

"Oh… you know." Lazuli made an aimless gesture. "I could have missed THIS, for one."

"Why, what's so good about THIS?"

"YOU don't think there's anything good about this?"

"I didn't say THAT. But what's in it for YOU?"

"You really don't trust people, do you?"

"I could ask you the same thing."

"Then, consider it an exercise in trust. The reason I'm here," Lazuli said.

"I don't understand you," Peridot muttered skeptically.

"Don't blame yourself. I'm hard to understand."

"Seems you wouldn't have it any other way," Peridot said and wished for not the first time that her brain could vet things faster than her mouth could say them.

"You're kind of a jerk," Lazuli said flippantly. "But it's cute."

"Cute?"

"Yes. You want to get coffee with me?"

"Ehhh… I think the caffeine would probably kill me."

"Something else, then. It's on me."

"Are you serious?"

Lazuli laughed and it sounded like a gully after a storm. "Why would I kid about that?"

"You ever heard of a dare?" Peridot mumbled.

"Have YOU ever heard of a…." Lazuli cut herself off. "…of people hanging out?"

"In theory." The hell. What was there left to lose now? "Fine. I mean, yes. Let's go."


	2. Chapter 2

It was ten minutes in and Peridot had already seen through her.

Somehow, this little nerd who had probably never had a meaningful conversation in her LIFE had peeled away her first line of defense like it was nothing but gauze. Feeling naked before her would be one thing, but Lapis didn't just feel naked. She felt UGLY.

Lapis had many skills, but altruism was not one of them. She had many people fooled – it kept them from asking questions – but all it took was one suspicious dweeb to shatter her entire façade. It couldn't be that Peridot was good at reading people. It had to be how wary she was. Not that Lapis considered wariness of other people an unfounded thing. Especially not of people like herself.

She felt like she was being crushed from all directions. She had to do something before Peridot picked up on her distress. Lapis was a perfectionist in terms of how she came across to others. Peridot, it seemed, was a perfectionist in everything but. For the time being, Lapis envied her. With her disguise breaking around her, there was only one thing left in her control. Something for her to grab onto before the storm washed her away. It was an anchor in more ways than one.

"Sorry… I need a minute."

She got up and made for the bathroom.

Sometimes it was dysmorphia. Sometimes it was punitive. This time it was all stress.

She'd need two minutes if she was good. If things didn't get out of hand. Two minutes to wrap her fingers in tissue in case her teeth came down hard. Two minutes for something burningly shameful – she didn't need to go all the way this time – and the next ten minutes for the blessed release that only came from what she was about to do. The time after that was something she couldn't afford to think about.

She would ignore the wretched girl in the mirrors until the final necessary step, and even that she would make as short as possible. If anyone came in, she'd pretend she was fixing her hair.

She rounded the corner and reached for the door.

"Hey, Lapis!"

Fuck. Spotted.

"Amethyst. Hi."

"Aren't you supposed to be in class right now?"

"Something came up."

"You mean your big daaaaate with that little dweeb over there?"

"You can call it that."

"Hah! I knew it!" Amethyst whooped. "Why HER of all people? You can do way better than that! I've SEEN you do better!"

"What?"  
"Oh come on, EVERYONE saw you and Jasper the other week! The whole rugby team's been DYING over it ever since! Ol' Patch is just about ready to KILL you."

Right. That night.

"Who's 'everyone?'"

"Everyone who matters! And boy, there wasn't a girl on that floor who wouldn't have killed to be in YOUR shoes!"

"Including you," Lapis said, trying to sound bemused but actually sounding more dispirited. She wished with all the desperation in the world that Amethyst would leave.

"You bet your TITS on that! Even STRAIGHT girls want a piece of Jasper!"

Several had had it too, minus their sobriety.

"You really were all over her…" Amethyst went on. "She never just LETS people touch her, you know. You gotta tell me your secret sometime, okay?"

Lapis paused. The secret was too much alcohol on the part of both parties. But yet, she felt a twisted relief to think that Jasper might have something to regret about that night, too.

"You at LEAST gotta tell me how she was…" Amethyst goaded. "Must have been pretty fucking awesome, right?"

Lapis fiddled with her sleeve.

"Sure."

"That's IT? You know that half the CAMPUS wants to sleep with her, right?"

"I know."

Her memory of that night was incomplete at best, but there had definitely been no sleeping involved.

She remembered leaning in and whispering what could only have been a proposition, and there they were in Jasper's room, hardly any lead-up, Jasper's hand reaching down her skirt, Jasper's tongue in her mouth, Jasper's bare thighs sporting razor lines all along the inside.

She'd had mixed feelings about the strap-on. It reminded her of a few too many things. But she was drunk and thought, maybe, this time, she was enjoying it.

"Laz? You okay?"

"Um, yeah. I just remembered a paper I have to do."

"Well, then, don't be too long with your little dork over there! At least she'll understand getting blown off for a paper!" Amethyst snickered and pushed open the door. "The team's gonna flip their shit when they hear you passed up Jasper for THAT one!"

This was it. She couldn't follow Amethyst into the bathroom.

She tried to gather her breath as the door swung shut. It didn't work.

Maybe, if things had started VERY differently, she and Jasper would have found some decent common ground. But the night had not gone that way, it ended with her being violently sick in Jasper's arms, her walking home alone in the rain, stumbling enough times that she had to sit on the wet sidewalk until she could see clearly.

She dug her nails into her palm and sighed.

That was the last time she would combine alcohol with her meds. The pounding headache the next day, Jasper's very pointed, "You should go." No more of that kind of self-medication.

But there would be other distractions. There was one right now at the table by the window, fidgeting idly with her napkin, waiting for her to return.


	3. Chapter 3

She recognized those shoes.

She thought that the dock would have been empty at this hour. But there they were, nestled together like a pair of sleeping pigeons, giving her a bit of a spook as they came into view. And there, beside them, feet hanging in the water, was Lapis.

"Lazuli? What are you doing here so late?"

Lapis glanced over.

"Peridot… you're out pretty late yourself."

The moon was high, a waning gibbous, making a small cluster of sparkles on the pond.

"Would have stayed later if the library hadn't closed," Peridot muttered.

"Right. I should have guessed."

"And what are YOU doing at this hour?"

Lapis raised a foot.

"Pretty much what it looks like I'm doing."

Peridot stood in a quandary. The dock was a place full of rules. If someone was there when you got there, you were socially obligated to leave. Despite its size, it was a one-party thing. The options now were to yield the spot to Lazuli, or to wait for her to invite her over. For some reason, she really didn't want to go.

"Can I join you?"

That wasn't one of the options. What was wrong with her?

Lapis moved her shoes over.

"Of course."

Peridot's heart quickened. She hoped it wasn't another panic attack.

They sat quietly for a while. It was how things had been between them lately – quiet. Quiet like a hospital room, as though a spoken word would extinguish what little life was there.

Peridot debated taking her shoes off as well. When finally she reached for her laces, she was startled out of it by Lapis' voice.

"Peridot… I've been meaning to talk to you."

Peridot bowled her right over.

"I did something wrong, didn't I? I always do SOMETHING wrong and no one ever tells me WHAT."

"No! Don't apologize!" Lapis said, rather forcefully. Peridot shrank back, and Lapis looked twice as contrite. "It's me," she said, more softly. "I'm sorry for acting so weird. I'm just… not very good at being close to people."

There was definitely something not being said there. But, the fact only illustrated the truth of the statement. Peridot let Lazuli slide with that one and instead asked, "We're close?"

Maybe she might as well have asked for elaboration because Lapis didn't respond to her anyway.

"Look," Peridot began, "I know you have things you don't talk about. But I also know you probably have a damn good REASON not to talk about them. I'm not asking to be more important than that reason."

Lapis smiled at her so wearily it made her want to cry.

"Well, you deserve to be."

That look was not okay. Peridot's mind scrambled for anything that would fix it. What it came out with was, "And you deserve to be happy."

Lapis looked out over the water.

"Don't worry about me," she said. "I'm all right."

"I don't believe you," Peridot said stubbornly.

"You always assume the worst, don't you?"

"I find it tends to be the most accurate."

Lapis laughed bitterly. Better than not laughing at all, perhaps.

"It's nice not to be the only one who's so messed up around here." She leaned gently against Peridot.

Peridot froze. It seemed like the kind of social situation that warranted her doing something out of the ordinary. She did have one idea…

"Lapis…?"

"Yes, Peridot?"

"Can I…?"

Shit.

"Yeah?"

She was wrong, this WASN'T that kind of situation and she WASN'T that kind of person.

"No, nothing, never mind."

Lapis chuckled and draped an arm around her. Her hand was wet.

"You goofball."

Peridot pondered for several awkward seconds whether to follow suit. Hesitantly, she put a hand on Lapis' waist. It must have been the right thing because Lapis put another wet hand over hers.

"I'm just a really fucked up person, is all," Lapis said. "Too fucked up to be anything good for anyone."

Peridot had one free hand. She'd have to think of a particularly good use for it.

"Yeah… well… I like you anyway."

"That's really sweet of you."

"No! I mean it!" Peridot said, heart beating faster. "No one else has even TRIED to care about me. How could you be a bad person after THAT?"  
"Keep going. It's cute."

Peridot felt her breath shorten. She REALLY wasn't up for another panic attack.

"So, sure, maybe you ARE fucked up, but that's what makes you REAL. And I'd rather spend time with someone who's real than someone who's not."

The silence spread between them for so long that Peridot wasn't sure she'd been heard. Then, she felt Lapis hitch beneath her. The wet hand retracted itself from hers and lighted on Lapis' face.

"Lapis? Are you okay?"

Lapis didn't respond immediately. She made the faintest of sounds, looking away. When she finally turned towards Peridot, her face was wet.

"I'm never okay."

Peridot abruptly pulled back.

"I'm sorry! Did I–"

"What did I tell you, don't apologize," Lapis shook her head.

"Yeah, well, you either," Peridot countered. "You don't have to live your life like it's one big apology."

Lapis lowered her head, fingers dripping, and Peridot felt like she was seeing something as delicate as an egg with the shell peeled back, the embryo inside quaking at its first exposure to the cold air. Something at the same time common yet infinitely precious.

She knew what to do with her hand.

Carefully, she reached over, as she might with a spooked animal, slid Lazuli's hand off her face, and swept a thumb along her wet cheekbone. This was what real meant: ragged, unpolished, full of poison. It was the kind of real that Peridot was, too.

Lapis leaned in to her hand. "You're a fucking darling."

Just as Peridot thought it was time to take her hand back, she felt Lazuli's brush against HER face, wetter than before, drawing her in closer.

Lapis was so close now, water and light glazing her face, a weak smile playing about her lips, the breath between them intermingling.

Maybe Peridot HAD been wrong about before. She wasn't sure she was brave enough to test that theory, though.

"Peridot…"

"Lapis?"

"Do you want to kiss me?"

Apparently the theory was being tested for her.

"I… uh… well…" Peridot stammered. "I could if you want me to."

"Do YOU want to?"

"Only if YOU do."

"Tell me yes or no."

"Uh… yes."

Lapis smiled.

"That's what I thought."

Despite having permission, Peridot waited for Lapis to close the gap between them. She felt Lapis' hand move to clutch at her hair, and then their lips touched, more gently than Peridot could have imagined. She'd heard the word "soft" in reference to this kind of situation before, but it wasn't the softness she was expecting, it was the softness of a living thing. She heard Lapis' foot splash in the water as she trailed a hand up her side.

"Sorry," Peridot broke off after some unfortunate tooth-contact.

"No apologies," Lapis teased, drawing a finger over Peridot's mouth.

Peridot sat perplexed for a moment before breaking into a giggle.

"What are you laughing about?" Lapis took her hand back.

"It's just… my mom would be really mad at me if she saw this."

Lapis snorted.

"I stopped caring what my parents thought a long time ago."

"I'm getting there," Peridot said. She nestled up against Lapis. "I used to think if I did whatever they said, I wouldn't be scared anymore."

"That's a pretty rough mindset," Lapis noted.

"Yeah, well I used to think the same thing about God too."

"I find that hard to picture for someone like you," Lapis said, stroking Peridot's hair.

"Oh, no, it makes total sense," Peridot told her. "You're scared, you pray to God, and he'll save you. It's quite simple."

"If you believe in God," Lapis scoffed.

"Yeah," Peridot agreed. "That sure was an embarrassing phase."

"Hey, we've all been there," Lapis said. "Sometimes I thought I was getting punished for being gay."

"Like what my mom's gonna do," Peridot muttered.

Lapis looked away again. "No. Nothing like that."

Peridot shifted. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No. But thanks for asking."

Peridot didn't know what to do, but she wasn't about to let this fall apart again.

"So… what kinds of things make you happy?" she asked.

"Not much, these days," Lapis said. "But the river's pretty nice. Nostalgic."

"Yeah, I like the river too," Peridot said, sure she wasn't sounding very intelligent.

"So why haven't you taken your shoes off?"

Peridot glanced down at her feet.

"Oh. I thought about it, but things just kept happening."

Lapis laughed in the most genuine way Peridot had heard all night.

"Give me your foot," she motioned.

Peridot blushed as Lapis unlaced her shoe.


End file.
